You Can’t Fire Me, I Don’t Work In This Van

Every once in a while, I run into a Windows user who tells me that they don’t use OS X because Macs are for people who don’t know how to use computers. This flabbergasts me, mostly because the entire reason that I don’t use Windows is because Windows treats me like I’m an idiot, while the Mac treats me like I’m actually intelligent, and gives me more control over my computer. So, I’ve compiled a list of the ways that Windows treats me like an idiot, where the Mac doesn’t.

The Start Menu

When I venture into Windows to play some game that usually I’m too lazy to actually buy the Mac version of (Sim City 4, Knights of the Old Republic and Civ 4 being the biggest offenders), typically the first mandatory handholding I run into is the start menu. You see, while the engineers at Apple had this crazy notion that users should be trusted to actually run their software from a folder on the hard drive, the Windows developers decided that users were just too plain stupid to actually be trusted to ever open the hard drive. In fact, opening up the hard drive under Windows will slap you with a nice warning about how you don’t belong in your own hard drive.

To top it off, Windows wants to make sure you run every piece of software you ever install, because apparently the user is also too stupid to realize when they’ve installed something. For example, take a look at this:

A few days ago, I reinstalled Knights of the Old Republic on my Mac Pro. (Installation happens to be out next section of grievances, but we’ll stay on topic for now..) The start menu decided that I’m just far too stupid to realize after I actually inserted the KOTOR CD, and sat through the actually install, that I actually understand the game got installed. No, instead it decides to pop up and tell me that new software got installed. Really? Thank you. I hadn’t realized that the installer I sat around waiting 5 minutes for actually did anything.

The real genius is that is highlights programs that are new for you, including programs I never have any intention of running. Ever. Case and point above. When I installed Knights of the Old Republic, Windows nicely lit up Knights of the Old Republic in my start menu. It also lit up the Knights of the Old Republic configuration program. Really Windows? Do you really need to do that? I know it’s there. I have no plans on running the configuration program. Ever.

Installation

It’s very easy to install software on a Mac usually. You take the program you want to install (which is just a file on your drive), and you drag it to where you want to keep the program, be it your applications folder, an external drive, a thumb drive, or a server. When you want to run the program, you go to where you keep it, and you double click it. When you no longer need the program, you drag it to the trash. Simple, and it assumes you have an IQ over 20.

Microsoft, on the other hand, has already decided I am clinically brain dead.

First, when I put in a CD to install new software, autostart kicks in. There’s nothing wrong with autostart making things easier, it’s just what it makes easier that worries me. First, I have no idea what the code that it’s autostarting is. It could be installing 3 million copies of AOL Toolbar without asking me. Perhaps it is uploading my documents somewhere. Maybe it’s patching my CD drivers to install it’s own DRM. So, strangely, I don’t feel so bad that I have to actually double click a CD to see what’s on it, given the alternative.

Now let’s compare two install processes for the Mac and Windows versions of the same piece of software. For Halo Mac (UB edition), I take the Halo application from the CD and drag it to where I want it. The Windows version however doesn’t give me that freedom. Instead of trusting me with doing real work while I’m installing Halo, it immediately blots out my screen with a giant full screen window, covering up anything that vaguely resembles real work (this usually in turn induces frantic alt-tabbing). It continues to maintain control over the entire screen while it generally asks me about things it wants to do that I probably would have been able to do myself.

This alone wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t for the other crap that most typical Windows installers drag you through. See, on the Mac, when you pick up that application, and drag it where you want, you are in full control. You know exactly what is being installed, and you know where it is going. Most Windows installers that I’ve used typically ask you multiple times whether or not you want to install some annoying Explorer toolbar, Weatherbug, or change your default search engine.

And when you want to get rid of your application on Windows? For that they have the genius known as “Add or Remove Programs”. In practice it sounds simple. You click on the program you want to remove and hit the remove button. Nevermind that on the Mac I can actually pick up the program file and drag it to the trash. On Windows, attempting to do such a thing will leave Start Menu links, orphaned registry entries, bad helper types, not to mention another slap on the wrist from Windows about how I shouldn’t be in my own computer’s hard drive.

Add/Remove programs opens up a entire can of worms on it’s own. Again, you’re trusting that whoever installed all that crapware on your computer is actually going to take it off. Again, on the Mac, I see exactly what was installed, because I put it there, making it dead easy to remove when I’m done with it. But on Windows, it’s not hard for that stupid program that installed MySpace Toolbar++ to not remove said toolbar.

And god forbid an uninstaller actually fails. I’ve had Windows actually delete an uninstaller after it’s failed, leaving me in a lurch about how to proceed with uninstalling my software.

Windows Update

On the Mac, Software Update is a simple affair. It comes up every so often, tells me I have new software, I let it install the software, it asks me to restart, I tell it not right now, and everything is happy.

For the love of god, never tell Windows you will restart later.

Windows, because you are an idiot, assumes you have some sort of head injury, and as such, will not remember that you need to restart. If you tell Windows you want to restart later, every 10-15 minutes it will come up with a gentle reminder that you need to restart. This gentle reminder includes what I call a “death clock”. Windows assumes that you might be too stupid to actually find that restart button, or even the restart now button it presents in it’s reminder. So, it’s nicely counts down from 5 minutes. When the countdown finishes, the entire machine will be restarted for you. You can hit restart later, and it will stop the countdown, but only temporally, as 10-15’s later the dialog will again appear and the death clock will start again.

The death clock does a few annoying things. First, if you are playing a game, it will immediately minimize that game from full screen for you. This is really great if you happen to be doing something important in a game, and the warning comes up for the first time, and you weren’t aware it was coming.

Second, it causes further issues because updates are installed automatically. Once, I happened to be working on a Maple project in Windows. I stepped away from my computer for 7 or 8 minutes to make some tea, came back, and to my horror my entire Maple project was gone, replaced with the Log In screen. It took me a few minutes to realize what had happened. By chance, when I left my computer, Windows installed some updates. It then started the Death Clock which ran for 5 minutes, and then automatically restarted, killing Maple and my assignment.

Thanks Windows for reminding me why I use a Mac to do real work.

Conclusion

The reality is that Mac’s are no longer the system for new users who don’t know how to use computers. Windows has become the OS for people who need help using a computer, while OS X has become the system for getting real work done. The hand holding that Windows does simply gets in the way. For me, Windows has been reduced to a place I go to some days to play a few games, putting it about on par with my XBox or my Nintendo Wii.

Don’t get me wrong, some people use Windows because the software they need to use only is available for Windows (usually AutoCAD), but I have trouble understanding why someone would dislike OS X just because “it’s for stupid people.”

The idea that Windows is this powerful system is simply a joke. My Mac Pro was far cheaper than an equivalent Dell, and runs an operating system that doesn’t treat me like I’m two years old. Maybe some people like the hand holding, I don’t. I like to be in control of what my computer does, and Windows simply just wants to get in my way.